Summer at large

If I havent writen in English much, it is due to two main reasons: primarily, while little feedback came from my English speaking friends, I began to receive much more feedback from the (far fewer) Portuguese speaking friends, at first along the lines of "why dont you write in Portuguese", and then in all other sorts of ways; secondly, because while traveling in South America and back in Brazil I began to have spells of wanting to re-Brazilianize myself.

If any of you English-only readers feel that you would like to know more from me, then do a better job letting me know! There have been some events, sure, but, not to say they are not 'blogworthy', they are at least, compared with the more touristy parts of the blog in Peru and Bolivia, or the more (I dont know what word to use here) part in my work with social movements, etc., the recent times have been more of the traditional Brazilian taking-it-easy vacations... Holidays, sitting around on the beach, yadda yadda.

As for re-Brazilianizing myself, well, that is a tough project... and not one I am always excited to take on. Sometimes it feels something of an obligation. The reasons for that are left for another ocassion - for now, I want to rant about why this obligation is sometimes faced as an uncomfortable challenge, rather than a joyous endeavor. Truth is, having spent the past decade (ish) abroad has left me very unused to the lack of structure of life here, and the ways in which I was already critical of this lack of structure became harsher.

By 'lack of structure' I mean not only institutional mess, such as the inabily of the post office to keep up with a 10am deadline for the special service (and, what really hits the spot, the fact that 'the system was down' in that whole city and we couldnt check on the delivery status). I mean a social lack of structure, where something as simple as using an elevator becomes a moment for culture shock; after all, something as obvious as the fact that the people inside a very small space must first be able to leave it in order for others to enter escapes the mind of some, who cram themselves onto me with a dog-look on their face as I try to make way for them. Now, this is not to say that this only happens here, as opposed to the US, for example, but it is an example from this afternoon that struck me as illustrative of the type of 'lack of social structure' that I am talking about. THAT is far more widespread here than down north.

It frustrates me. I can also see how too much such 'structure' could also be frustrating, as a friend of mine living in Germany has pointed out. There, she said, people dont jaywalk, even if there are no cars around, or if they do, they look around to see if anyone else is watching, and justify to themselves their 'transgression' saying that, "well, at least there werent any children watching to take on a bad example." These real life acounts may be a bit extreme, but perhaps, between the matuto from the elevator and the chucrute who doesnt jaywalk, there is a comfortable in-between - what I am used to.

And before anyone takes this to be too much of me acting gringo, you must first know my parents. They are not typical Brazilians, in so far as social structure is concerned. My father actually tends towards the German end of things, but in that conservative Minas Gerais way. They are people who struggle alot to live through a world in which nothing works as well as it should, could, and would if the structure were maintained. Also, when I speak of the 'typical Brazilian', one must understand that I am writing this from a beach town in the state of Rio de Janeiro, a place quite different culturally from other parts of the country to the south of here, where there indeed is more structure (and heavier central european colonization). As far as north of here, on the other hand, I believe the structure is even more chaotic. And out west, where I am from, well... It is a mix of all these things, as it has been historically settled afterwards from the southeast and northeast.

And if anyone wants to know where are the indigenous in this 'typical' picture of Brazil - well - dead, for the most part. We carried out one of the most extensive genocides of the Americas, along with the United States. F'd up. The sad thing is that it hardly enters the 'picture' then.

There is a classic book called "Raizes do Brasil", "Roots of Brazil", by Sergio Buarque de Holanda. It was a piece of scholarship somewhere between sociology, anthropology, history and social criticism, on the formation of the Brazilian people. A classic, it is not that new, duh, so approach it with the grains of decades of salt - but - it remains an amazing piece through and through. There, he explains the word "desleixo." I cannot begin to make justice to it as a concept, the role it plays in our society, or Holanda's account of it. But, it has something to do with what I have here been calling 'lack of social structure', with an added layer of laziness and feeling that "it is just not worth it."

And when I really face up to the struggles of improving society in Brazil, when I am really realistic about the prospects for progress, I struggle the hardest with that most Brazilian part of myself... desleixo. It feels that, really, it just might not be worth it. It would crunch my heart and tear my brainvessels, it would alienate me from society and threaten my quality and quantity of life, and it would all be for a seemingly impossible goal, a goal that mocks with its distant grandeur.

I go back to the thought, now, of graduate school down north. So comfortable and comforting a thought. I go forwards to a feared future in which I am resigned to an ink-and-paper interaction with this society of desleixados. A prophet never-been-armed, however, seems a dim and sad old man, grouchy with the world around him, or happy only in its hermit den. Children and grandchildren would then embody, literally, all the hopes that I would have left aside - por desleixo.